Reincarnation, Heaven or Dead.

Reincarnation, Heaven or Dead. 

I was wondering about death. Which really isn’t unusual for me for several reasons, first of all I’m chronically ill. Death is a thought every time I have a new test done or when blood is taken.  Also I’m a little over middle age physically.....but mentally I’m still young and beautiful. Then I look in the mirror and see my mother’s beautiful face, in mine, as she looked when she aged.  So then I get depressed and think about my life, my children and a whole bunch of other stuff. 

Death is on my mind when I get depressed, and yes so is suicide. I wonder sometimes how I would take myself out of here. Well I’m not going to the top of a tall building and jumping off, I suffer from acrophobia, no Ferris wheel or roller coasters for me. I won’t even get in a plane, sad cause I really would like to go to places like Egypt, Alaska, Hawaii, the Grand Cannon, Africa, Fiji and the Rain Forrest  to name a few. This is why I watch the discovery channel a lot, but it’s not the same as touching, smelling, feeling and tasting your environment. So jumping from a high place won’t work. Besides I might survive the fall and then I would be chronically ill, crippled and maybe disfigured too.

Shoot myself in the head, no I don't think so, I don’t like guns. I believe they are the worst invention ever made. People have no respect for other peoples’ lives. It doesn't matter what 'hood' you live in, someone is shooting some one over something that's not worth a life. I’m talking about committing homicide on myself, not anyone else. Again I may survive, it’s known to happen. I really don’t know how people can stab themselves in the chest or cut their own throat. I couldn’t even cut my wrist, lie in a tub and wait for the blood to drip out of me. And I’m not tying a loose around my neck and hanging myself. The fucking rope might break, then I'll have rope burns and may become more mentally challenged then I am now. All these suicide ways involve pain, an old friend of mine use to say, I’m allergic to pain, well so am I.

The only way I would consider taking myself out of her is with drugs. I got enough shit to over dose on. I’m a pro at swallowing pills; it won’t be no-thing to take a hand full of these anti-depression pills and chasing them with a bottle of scotch.  I die with a euphoric high, play some nice jazz, may scribble some words on a paper. That’s would be the way if I was seriously considering suicide.

I won’t murder myself. I told this to a shrink once; she believed I wanted to kill myself. I had to get her to understand that, because, sometimes I wish I was dead, that didn't mean I had it in me to kill myself.  I wouldn’t, willing, invite death into my life. To me my life is like reading a book or watching a movie, I keep reading or watching even if it’s not good just to see how it ends.  I got to see how my life turns out, so I’ll ride this life of mine out to the end.

I hope you're still reading.

Back to the subject at hand, my wondering about death.  Does anyone know, anybody that came back from the grave and told you what death was like? My mom visits me in my sleep as dreams. In the first dream I had after mom died I was floating on a raft with my sister. The water was calm, it was a real serene place, trees, birds. I was having some struggling in life and my sister was dealing with a difficult situation. Our mother was on the other side of the river we were floating on, she was in all white and she was waving to us. She looked so beautiful and I wanted to go to her, so my sister and I starter paddling toward her. Mommy put her hands up and shooed us back and told us it wasn’t time for us to come to her. She also assured us that everything would be okay. Then she was gone.

I had this dream almost nineteen years ago and it still very real to me.  Did my mom come back from heaven to comfort us? I dream often about my grandmother, aunts and uncles so often. Are they sending me messages? If they are what are they telling me? 

Is there life after death?

I was raised to believe in heaven. That I would go before the pearly gates and meet St. Peter.  I figure St. Peter was going to send me to Purgatory and that scared shit out of me more than going to hell.  I did not want to be a lost soul. 

Is there a Heaven? 

It won’t be long before I find out; after all it wasn’t that long ago I was born. Remember I'm a little over middle age. So my curiosity is strong. If there is a heaven I’m pretty sure I’m going to be invited to enter through, St. Peters pearly gates. What will I find? Will I meet my family who went on ahead? Will I be able to peek at the family I leave? Will I be able to visit them in their dreams?   Will I be able to sit down with God and ask him to answer all my questions about life? Does anyone know the answers to these questions? 

What if there is no heaven and we are reincarnated, over and over again. Is that really a possibility? That would be like, if you fucked this life up, now you get a do over.  That would be cool, especially if you could remember your past life.  Everyone, well maybe not everyone, but I do have a person that lives inside my brain. She’s my conscious, feelings, thoughts, she is the me that’s makes me, me.  I can only account for me. When I leave the room if I can’t hear you, so it ain’t real, it ain’t happening to me. Does anyone else felt like that? That's kind of narcissistic isn't it? What if, when we die we become that me, that inside our self person.  May be that's our soul, I can't really talk about death without mentioning the soul, now could I. Will the soul float around until a baby is born for the soul to move into and we start a new life. And will that me enter that new body?

Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Especially if we remember all the mistakes we made in our present lives.  Imagine the possibilities.  You ever look at a baby or hear someone say that’s an old soul. My grandmother use to say about her great grand kids, they been here before. What about these little kids that are prodigies, could it be they were reincarnated? They carried over their skills until they perfected it and got a chance to live again. Maybe this is why so many prodigies go mad.Their past lives haunt them.

Maybe we do get reincarnated and  many be we get so many chances to get it right,  than at some point we go on to heaven. I guess no matter what happens after death, I want to believe that there is  life after death. If there is only death then what is the purpose of life.  especially the way the world is today, with the all the killing  of the earth in the name of technology. But that's a topic for another time.

I wonder if Greek mythology is true, and are we just toys for the Gods entertainment?