CYNICAL LOVE

Love Sick

A vicious glutton,

Gnawing at the brain

Devouring common senses

Foreign to rational thoughts

Perspiring desire

Emotional fever

Spinning, dizziness

Confusion

Heart skipping beats

Rapidly pulsating

Adrenaline fueled

Epidemic in proportion

Drug resistant

Sick, sick, sick

In love

Love is a give and take agreement.  It stands to reason that your mate would want to do what you enjoy, if not all the time, at least some of the times.  Right? I don’t really care for basketball, but my mate is a die-hard Knicks fan, sometimes I will watch the games.  When I watch a drama, I want my lovers company. It doesn’t always happen though. It is my belief that a relationship is about sharing your lives with each other, wanting to make each other happy, even if its’ only for a few moments at a time.

I think after giving so much of me over the years my heart has hardened and I just go through the motions.  In the beginning of a relationship people would do things to put a smile on your face.  Take you out, to plays, dinner, boat rides.  Buy you flowers, gifts of jewels.  You’re sexually desired. After they have you in their illusion of love they only do things to make you happy if it doesn’t inconvenience them. Like not going to a concert because they don’t like the crowds.  Or they take you to the beach because they don’t like the sand.  It’s that give and take thing you know.  Sometimes you need to sacrifice your time to bring joy to the one you say you “love”. Sometimes you have to do things together to keep a flame in the relationship.

 In a relationship we should be willing to compromise to bring happiness to the one you care about, and the favor should be returned. So often in our lives we end up in relationships that loses its allure early in the relationship, yet we stick around hoping to get a glimpse of that first attraction. Those bashful common smiles, eyes that twinkle with desire, that anxious feeling down in your gut, some call butterflies. Wouldn’t it be magnificent if that, ‘getting to know you feeling,’ would last forever or better yet get stronger and stronger?  That would be a sizzling climax that would be.

I believe our objective in life is to be happy, if not all the time most of the time.  When you find yourself happy it should be quality happiness.  Don’t you think? If you find that someone that makes you happy, you should want to make him or her happy also. Not at the expense of your own happiness. I would think you should be happy being with each other. Your love should be so strong and hungry that you would do anything to be together, to make your relationship work, to build a happy home.

Some believe if they give they are being used, or taken advantage of. They don’t know any better. Men usually want to dominate the relationship and woman usually takes the short, to appease the man’s fragile ego. I don’t believe that’s the reality of life. Each person should be donating something to the friendship to help the union grow.

Closed-minded people who have been hurt, used, abused and taken advantages of usually believe the next person they get into a relationship with will do them the same and compare you.  I guess it’s only natural. We all need to realize we are all different; we look different, talk different and even act different.  It’s unfair to judge someone on a pass relationship.  We end up falling into a trap of trying to prove we are not the same and along the way we lose ourselves in trying.  We lose sight of what makes ourselves happy, we begin to believe what makes our mate happy is what makes us happy. It’s settling and eventually it dies, because you are killing yourself slowly.

When rockets stop exploding and lighting the sky, and just whistles and pops we realize something is missing.  You start to question what your mate has done to accommodate your happiness.  You want to know what you need and want in your life to make you happy.  When it’s not provided you may develop resentment.  Love starts to fade and eventually dies.  Once a relationship begins to turn bitter, it’s hard to add enough sugar and cream to make it sweet again.

Making relationships is hard work. You have to tend to it with care, give it the right nutriments to make it strong, know when it needs rest and when it’s playtime.

I have never been formally married, (hope to have a wedding one day), however I’ve been to enough weddings to respect the vows, to love, honor and cherish, (fuck obey), in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, until death do us part.  There always come a time when something in the relationship goes wrong and we seek advice from mother, brother other.  They usually hear one side of the story; yours and they often give their opinion in your favor.  It’s good for helping you feel better. Can anyone really know what’s going on in your relationship?  So keep the vow of forsaking others, your love woos should be worked out between the two of you. If it can’t that get a outside mutual objective person, a paid therapist. If you go to a psychiatrist they will do family counseling paid for with your health insurance.  They probably would enjoy all those juicy stories, better then a lifetime movie. Don’t you think?

I’m submissive and non-confrontational, so I usually step back and lock my feelings deep inside myself.  So deep and down in a dark solidarity confinement dungeon. That even I can’t find the key to unlock the hurt and loneliness. Most of my poems reflect.  I don’t write love poems anymore and find the old ones I did boring and fake.  I have become disillusion by love.

My views on love are cynical and when I read love poems I understand the passion and deep emotions, I just don’t feel it. This is not to say I don’t wish to have the fireworks bursting in my life again. I just don’t think it’s going to happen.  I’m at an age where bullshit has to take a long walk in the opposite direction.  The rockets would just fizzle and pop.  I would love to have strong arms around me, receive passionate kisses and have starry eyes gaze in mine.  To have a hand holding the back of my neck, fingers running through my hair, a palm on my cheek.  I would die to have someone desire to make love to me.  But those things die in relationships.  Surprise gifts of things I want instead of things I need.  Hell I’m your woman, not your child or mother.  A case of Kotex is not a surprise.  I’m almost fifty and I was never given a ring, a friendship, engagement or wedding band. But I did have some fireworks once and a while, and it was like the fourth of July once a year and then it’s gone..

Everyone has faults, some you can live with some you can’t.  You have to weigh the good verses bad; no one can give you the answer because only you know the answer.

I’ve had deep passion in my life, but I always wanted more, I always gave too much and expected the same in return and when it lack I become distant.  One who spent his life in prison, one had too much pride, one loved drugs more and one who loves drinking in the bar more. So that great love affair and passion ain’t going to happen for me, I blew my chances. So now I cry at weddings and sappy love story movies.

So my advices to you young at heart, don’t take shorts when you’re giving more.  I was loved with great passion, but it always fell short.  Weigh the good and bad, if it’s unbalanced in favor of bad, walk away.  If its unbalance in favor of good, and you can work on the bad, secure and work on the relationship.

Love takes time and nourishment, take care of it and it will take care of you.

07/15/08 Updated 2012

 Fire of Love

A spark ignited a curious fire.

Steadily burning,

          Chills tickles up my spine.

The heat got hot.

A raging blaze erupted.

Furious flames,

          Choked my lungs,

                   Singed my heart,

                             Blind my eyes,

                                      Disoriented my mind.

Sirens sounded

          Crippling water

                   Dying embers,

                             Cooling ashes.

Polluted waters of hate,

          Extinguish the fires of love.

3/2004